How to know if he is the Right Husband for you?

Understand what to look for in arranged marriage setting to assess who is the right husband for you. The definition of a right husband is slightly different in countries like India, where arranged marriage is the way to find the Right Husband. It is a little different from the organised marriage perspective because, in an arranged marriage, you don’t get a lot of time to spend with the guy before you marry him. You may not know the guy for years to assess if he’s the right guy. Girls need to make decisions very quickly and based on very few pieces of available information. Let’s understand those few pieces of information that will help you identify your Right Husband.

You enjoy each other’s company.

You love to be with each other. You enjoy talking to each other. You spend hours talking about some subjects or just talking about your life, or you’re just listening all about other person. When you go out together, you feel comfortable with each other around. You look forward to meeting each other. You do not feel any type of stress when you are together.

You don’t feel conscious of your insecurities when you are with him.

Instead, you feel comfortable or even admired for those insecurities you have in your mind. Insecurities are glaring problems that exist in your mind, and they rob you of your confidence. These insecurities are so big in your mind that they make you overlook all other good things you have and make you crumble inside every time you think about them. For example, you might be insecure about your skin colour, how you look, the shape of your nose, or pimples on your face, or it could be I’m short, or I’m tall, or how fat or thin you are, or your financial status or how your family is, or your education backgrounds like the status of the school or institute you studied in or your non-working status, or you have a weird accent or a city/village you come from etc. There are various types of insecurities that we as a girl carry in our mind that other people don’t even care about or notice. But those deplete our confidence, block us from making wise decisions, and keep us from behaving normally when those insecurities are triggered. But you will see the magic of having those insecurities vanish in thin air when you meet your Right Husband. He will not notice or care about those things. On the contrary, he may even appreciate you for those things or cherishes you for that. Believe me! He is out there waiting for you to show up, and those insecurities do not matter to him.

He cares for you and cherishes you.

He cares what you think, how you feel and what you want. He wants to protect you and make you feel happy. He doesn’t like it when you are hurt or sad. He cherishes you! But that may not always be very obvious in words out there in public. Like he may not go and tell everybody about you, but he is happy and proud to be with you, and he is happy to be seen with you in public. Or he is an extrovert, and he goes ahead and tells everybody, his family, friends, and colleagues, you are there on his social media, and you attend all his parties and social gatherings. It could be subtle like he keeps an eye on you to make sure you’re comfortable that you have everything you need, or he is making sure to get things right for you so when you go ahead and do those things, you don’t go through any trouble.

Don’t be harsh in assessing him based on just one incident. Instead, have a few interactions as a base to make that judgement.

In short, he will protect you, care for you and make sure you are ok mentally and physically.

He lets you be who you are and doesn’t try to control or dominate you.

He understands and appreciates you as a person, and he doesn’t withhold his love with the intention of changing you as a person. Making some changes when you get into a relationship like marriage is inevitable, but those changes should not be about changing who you are. Reducing the number of parties, friends, or work hours is ok because your primary relationship role will now be as a wife and not as a daughter, sister, or friend. So, you must make some changes to accommodate this new relationship in your life and not just accommodate it but give it a top priority among all relationships. That is the only way you can make your marriage last long. So, to assess if he is dominating you or controlling you as a person, you need to check why the change he is asking you to make is required? Is it to give him more of your time, or is it for your relationship to become better? Is it to align you with his family culture? or values (make sure before you marry, you know, and you are ok with his family culture and values)? Is it to keep the friction low among family members? he is asking you to make a change. But if he is asking you to change just because he wants to control your life and what you do, and just make you follow his instructions. So, he feels powerful. After some time, he will forcefully change you as a person, and you will not feel happy inside, which is not good for you or him or your relationship. But if you are happy with the changes he is asking you to make, even if they sound controlling to you, then that is ok. Some women do prefer men who are a little controlling, so based on your preference you decide. At the end of the day, it is all about you being happy so that your relationship with your husband and other fields of your life are not getting impacted. However, make sure he is not mentally or physically abusive when he is asking you to change something. Instead, he should be understanding, empathetic and loving when asking you to change. Don’t forget that same goes for you as well. You should treat him very well when requesting him to change something.

After learning about feminism, we girls often rebel against the fact that marital life and relationships are full of compromises. We do not want to acknowledge the fact that to accommodate a new relationship like marriage in our life, we have to make some changes and adjustments. Understand that even when we buy a dress, we need to make space for it, accommodate it in our wardrobe and take good care of it. Imagine bringing home a whole new relationship with another person for life long. You have to let a few things go and make space for that relationship, take good care of it, to make sure you both are comfortable in your mental and physical space. Do things out of care for another person.

If it makes him happy and doesn’t cost you the things that matter to you most, like your inner self, peace, respect, and freedom; in this case, it is the freedom to do things that you enjoy doing and are appropriate in the context of your new relationship boundaries (before you get married, make sure you agree on what kind of freedom you expect after marriage and you both have an agreement on the freedom boundaries) then go ahead and do that for him. Freedom boundaries sound like an oxymoron but understand that your freedom ends when other people’s freedom starts. E.g. if you can drive a car, you have the freedom to drive a car, but you do not have the freedom to drive it anywhere or into other people’s cars. So your husband may not want you to do those late-night office parties on Friday after you are married; agree with him before you get married if it fits in your relationship’s freedom boundary. Make sure you are happy in your relationship but on the other hand, also verify what is making you happy is worth losing a good guy who fits perfectly on your other most important parameters of the right husband. And you are not labelling him controlling because you are not clear on what it takes to accommodate a new primary relationship like marriage in your life.

You are comfortable with his financial state.

Evolution-wise men look for a woman who can bear their children, that’s why men are so visual. Women look for men who can provide her and their children that’s why women look for the strongest and most capable men. So it is all about nature’s way of making sure we as a human race survive. So there is nothing to be ashamed or critical about as long as you are not taking this to an extreme. Extreme in the sense that you hurt people’s sentiments because they do not pass these primary checkpoints for you.

Nowadays, it’s very common that when a woman wants to know how much her potential match earns, she is considered a gold digger. But don’t worry about that! Don’t miss out on that question of how much he earns. Ask that in the early stages of assessment if that is a deal-breaker for you. Generally, a girl wants to make sure that their potential match is earning enough to provide for his new family and maintain a specific standard of living continuously or at least he does not depend on her to provide.

It doesn’t matter what that package amount you are looking for as long as you are comfortable with his financial state, just make sure you are not unrealistic about your financial expectations from the guy. Unrealistic means generally, guys look for a girl who matches their financial background. That means in an arranged marriage, a guy won’t generally go for a girl who is earning way more than him or earning way less than him. There are always exceptions, one of that is when a girl is not earning, but he loves the way she looks, he will not care about anything else, he wants to make her his wife. Remember!! Guys are visual!

If you believe a guy with 90,00,000 rupees annual package is a realistic expectation for you! Go for it! but please notice I didn’t use the word think here I used the word believe, so if you believe a guy with 90,00,000 rupees annual package is a realistic expectation irrespective of what is your finical background. Just make sure you do not have an iota of doubt or negative thoughts about it. I know this paragraph is overloaded with meaning if you have never read about how beliefs work in our life. I can cover this topic in some other future blog. Let me know if you would be interested in knowing more about it.

Many times, in a relationship, there are fights because of financial reasons, there is not enough money to do things, or both the partners have to work to meet the ends meet, and that builds a lot of stress on them. It affects their relationship and their whole family. So make sure you are comfortable with his financial state because your happiness is your responsibility.

He is your mentor and huge supporter in terms of dealing with your future in-laws.

When you start building your relationship with your in-laws, you might feel lost or pressured as you don’t know them. You don’t know their family culture, you don’t know their expectations, or you don’t know their temperament, their nature, or their family values. You need lot of support and guidance in establishing so many new relationships in his family. So, if he is not on your side and does not support you and understand you, it can lead to poor judgment, frustration, misunderstandings, and quarrels. This sets the foundation for your relationship with him and your in-laws in the early days of your interactions.

We are in the new relationship not for fights but for happiness, so make sure that he’s the guy who works with you to achieve happiness in your relationship with him. Sometimes arranged marriages end up in divorce, not because of the husband and wife relationship but wife and in-laws relationship. So, when you interact with your potential match, also assess how he helps you in establishing a good relationship with his family members.

Be conscious of the fact that just because you found your right husband doesn’t mean you will never have down moments or periods of fights, hurt or sacrifices. But with your right husband, even in the downtimes of your relationship, you stay respected, protected and connected.

If you have already found a guy scoring high on all these six points, then Girl!!! You have found your Right Husband. Don’t lose him for your superficial demand that will not even matter a few years down the line.

All the Best! You deserve a Right Husband don’t settle for less!

On we are here to help you in the process of finding your right husband. For that, we provide training, coaching and workshops. We equip you with the tools, knowledge, and skills required to identify your Right Husband and pass every step of the arranged marriage successfully and build a profound, long-lasting emotional connection with him for life long. We also provide the Right Husband search services, where we will work with you one on one in finding the right match for you that suits your Right Husband criteria.

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